I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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