I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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