yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
