so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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