last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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