I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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