Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
