now i know why i became what i already was.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
