I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
you never un-have a 4some
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
