shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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