just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
