Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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