boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If its not for food we ain't going out.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
