I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
