Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
