Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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