I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
