i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
