you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
