I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
