Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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