I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
