franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
