I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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