Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Four minutes until I can fart!
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
