I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize