I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
