i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize