The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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