Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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