i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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