I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
