My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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