May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
