This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize