so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize