I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
