Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
