there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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