Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
you inspire me to be a worse person
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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