You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Randomize
