mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Still dying that you shit outside
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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