last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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