You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
