When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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