Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
