She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
