I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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