genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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