That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
