i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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