Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
