Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
