Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Randomize
