i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
