So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
