I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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